Goals--The Ten Rules for Achieving Success by Gary Ryan Blair

Definition of a goal:  A goal is a specific, measurable, and time-bound end toward which you direct specific effort until achieved!

Success is the ability to:

1. Recognize opportunity
2. Form plans and strategies that leverage opportunities
3. Develop the necessary skills needed to execute those strategies

Goal Rule #1:  BE DECISIVE

The difference between what one person and another achieves depends more on goal choices than on abilities.  Each decision affects what you become. 

The direction of your life changes the instant you decide what goals you want to pursue.

Goals are the seeds of success--you become only what you plant.  The quality of the harvest is a direct reflection of the quality of the seeds (decisions). 

"Everything counts!"  Every thought, decision, and action either moves you closer to or further from your goals.


Goal Rule #2:  STAY FOCUSED

Focus= Follow one course until successful!

The most important aspect of focus is single-mindedness. 

The  moment you focus on a goal, your goal becomes a magnet, pulling you and your resources towards it. 

Never stop thinking about your goal. 

Some give up their dreams when they have almost reached the goal; while others, on the contrary, obtain a victory by exerting, at the last moment, more vigorous effots than every before. 


Goal #3:  WRITE YOUR GOALS

Goals not written down fall victim to the "out of sight...out of mind" phenomenon.  For goal setting to have any value, goals must be written down.  The process of writing and revising a goal continuously forces you to make a commitment because once it is written, you have made an investment. 

Ask the six important goal setting questions:

1. Who will be involved in helping you achieve this goal?
2. What is the goal?  What specifically do you want to accomplish?
3. Where are you now in relation to this goal?
4. When do you expect to achieve this goal?
5. How will you accomplish this goal?
6. Why do you want to achieve this goal?

Your written goal must be SPECIFIC and MEASURABLE and include a DEADLINE. 

Rule #4:  PLAN THOROUGHLY

Planning before taking action helps you to do things better, faster, and cheaper!

Planning...

• Promotes focus--helps cut through the clutter
• Coordinates efforts--acting as a catalyst for new insights and ideas
• Provides standards--helps you measure progress
• Prepares the planner
• Reveals roadblocks
• Stimulates thinking
• Offers an exit plan

Planning allows you to carefully orchestrate all the steps along the way to achieving a goal. 

Goals end up in one of three conditions:

• Victory or
• Watered down or
• Failure

Planning is the key tool that helps you to significantly increase the probability of success.


Rule #5:  INVOLVE OTHERS

It is important to acquire knowledge from others and apply it appropriately.  Surround yourself with good people who possess solid experience. 

Goals mean growth, and growth requires new knowledge.  How?  Read books, ask questions, attend seminars, observe, etc.  Choose a mentor and/or a personal board of directors.  Involving others provides an additional level of accountability which is mandatory for success.


Rule #6:  WELCOME FAILURE

Failure has an ulterior motive...not ot get you to quit, but to stop long enough so that you may learn something. 

Failure measures your personal investment in a goal--it is a test of character, commitment, and courage.

An occasional step back to regroup and reload can, and often does, position you for several more steps forward. 

There will always be tension between your enthusiasm for your goal and the fear of failing to achieve it.  Rather than surrender to the fear, stay focused, "super glue" your commitment, and persevere. 


Rule #7:  TAKE PURPOSEFUL ACTION

In real estate it is location, location, location.  In goal-setting it is ACTION, ACTION, ACTION.  Yet, the action must be purposeful.

Maximum productivity is working economically, it is managing time and resources effectively. 

Don't just pursue your goal...inhabit it.  Wear it, act it, live it, taste it!  Get committed--take action. 

You must take action because all success comes down to execution. 


Rule #8:  INSPECT WHAT YOUR EXPECT

Change is inevitable--Growth is optional.

ATTENTION INCREASES PRODUCTIVITY!---evaluate progress.

Inspection has a dual purpose:

1. Inspection tells you where you are in relation to where you want to be.
2. It tells you how you are doing in the process of pursuing your goals.

An inspection process will make you aware of performance gaps.  It is this "white space" that you must manage to achieve the desired results. 

If you can't measure it, you can't manage it. 


Rule #9:  REWARD YOURSELF

While pursuing a goal, you build integrity, character, heart, discipline making the journey itself a reward.  Goals are generators of VALUE, often because of what you learned and became en route. 

3 Cs of achieving goals:  Commitment, Concentration, Courage

Recognition celebrates achievement and builds confidence and provides an incentive to further achievement.  Make rewarding yourself standard protocol!  Recognize your own achievement. 

Principles for rewarding yourself:

• Always reward your major achievements
• Reward yourself for intermediate steps and victories--reward yourself daily for small accomplishments
• Make rewards commensurate with the accomplishment
• Ensure that rewards are personal and sentimental

Your plan from one goal to the next should include both celebration and introspection.

"You get what your reward.  Be clear about what you want to get and systematically reward it."  --Bob Nelson


Rule #10:  MAINTAIN PERSONAL INTEGRITY

Your biggest concern is not your skill, ability, or intelligence--it's your COMMITMENT.

The "Promised Land" is for those who exercise personal integrity.  Personal integrity means maintaining a commitment to your commitments.  Saturate your goal with a heavy dose of personal integrity.

Values lay the foundation for your goals; goals lead to the fulfillment of your mission; your mission leads to the realization of your life's work--your legacy. 



Authors contact info:
     Phone:  1.877.462.5748  
     Email:  info@goalsguy.com
     Website:  www.EverythingCounts.com
A large part of your success will come from sheer tenacity! 

Succeed by Heidi Grant Halvvorson

PART ONE:  Get Ready

CHAPTER 1:  Do You Know Where You Are Going?

Set specific, difficult goals.  This is much more effective than "doing one's best" which can be quite vague and actually encourage mediocrity.  Difficult, but possible, goals unconsciously increase effort, focus, and commitment to the goal.  Performance will rise to the challenge.

It is helpful to think of both the why and the what when setting goals.  Why thinking helps get us motivated and energized.  What thinking helps to focus on practical details to achieve a difficult goal.

It is important to have the right kind of positive thinking.  Successful people have confidence that they can eventually succeed, but they are equally confident that they will have a tough time getting there.  People who know the road will be difficult tend to plan more, put in more effort, take more action in pursuit of the goal, and are more persistent.  Feel the necessity to act!

CHAPTER 2:  Do You Know Where Your Goals come From?

Book:  Mindset by Carol Dweck

 Too many Americans believe that if you have to work hard at something, you aren't good at it.  In other words, effort compensates for lack of ability.  It's important to have an incremental theory which means having the belief that any ability can be grown and developed and focusing on developing smartness rather than proving you are smart.

"Triggers" are critical.  Plastering motivational posters all over can act as triggers.  Also, things like walking into a gym can be a trigger for encouraging one to work out.  There is such a thing as "goal contagion."  Just seeing someone pursuing a goal can encourage a person to start pursuing it, too.  Filling one's environment with cues for goals will help make your unconscious work for you. 

PART TWO:  Get Set

CHAPTER 3:  The Goals That Keep You Moving Forward

Is your goal to be good or to get better?

To be good is a performance goal--show that you are smart, talented, capable, or to outperform others.  Performance goals are an all or nothing.  When the road gets tough, people with performance goals tend to feet they don't have what it takes. 

To get better is a mastery goal--develop or enhance skills and abilities.  Mastery goals focus on progress:  Am I improving?  Am I learning?  These goals are all about the journey. 

Those working on a mastery rather than performance goal tend to deal with difficulties better and are much more resilient.  They tend to ask for the right kind of help when they need it. 

CHAPTER 4: Goals for Optimists and Goals for Pessimists

Is your focus more on what you have to gain (promotion-minded)or more on what you have to lose (prevention-minded)?  Optimism works if you are promotion-minded.  A touch of pessimism works better when prevention-minded.  Prevention-minded people are detailed people and have a more conservative bias.  Both promotion and prevention can lead to success.  It's just important to focus on the right strategies for each. 

CHAPTER 5:  Goals Can Make You Happy

Achieving a goal isn't everything--what you want and why you want it matter just as much in the long run. 

Self-Determination Theory (Edward Deci and Richard Ryan):  All human beings seek relatedness, competence, and autonomy.  Therefore, your goals needs to be connected to at least one of these.  Choices are important for autonomy so it's important to create a feeling of choice.  Giving rewards and other incentives for goal achievement can actually backfire and destroy motivation. 

CHAPTER 6:  The Right Goal for You

Be-good goals when you want to demonstrate your ability.
Focus on why when you need motivation to get going.
Focus on what when a goal is difficult and you need to be specific about what you want to achieve. 
Focus on promotion goals when you need speed. 
Choose prevention goals when you need accuracy. 
Promotion goals will fuel creativity. 
It's best to focus on getting-better goals that are self-chosen.
Choose goals that satisfy your basic need for relatedness, competence, and autonomy rather than focusing too much on fame, prestige, and wealth.


CHAPTER 7:  The Right Goals for Them

People are motivated to achieve a goal only when they feel it has value.  Then give them a choice as to what goal they want and/or how to get there. 

Choose the right cues and/or triggers. and use contagion goals. 


PART THREE:  Go

CHAPTER 8:  Conquer the Goal Saboteurs

It is practically impossible to reach a goal when you don't have any sense of how well you are doing.  Although external feedback can come, self-monitoring is absolutely essential.  Therefore, it is important to check your progress regularly. 

Focusing on execution--to actually do-- is essential for success.  Grab onto opportunities to achieve a goal.  Goals require protection from distractions and obstacles. 

CHAPTER 9:  Make A Simple Plan

Make a plan for how you will achieve your goal.  An effective plan is one that spells out exactly and specifically what will be done, and where, and how.  Also, think about how obstacles will be addressed using and if-then plan. 

CHAPTER 10:  Build the Self-Control Muscle

Give your self-control a regular workout so it can grow stronger and stronger.  Yet, it is also important to periodically give the self-control muscle a rest.  Good moods tend to enhance self-control so give yourself needed pick me-ups.  Don't tempt fate when it comes to self-control. 

CHAPTER 11:  Keep It Real

High achievers, without exception, need to work hard and plan well to accomplish their goals. 

Some optimism is good but it can be dangerous if it causes you to not think through things carefully.  In other words, realistic optimism is what you want.  Realistic optimism is believing you will succeed because you will make success happen by putting in the effort, staying motivated, and using the right strategies. Visualize the steps you will take in order to succeed.

CHAPTER 12:  Know When to Hang On

Don't give up on goals too soon or for the wrong reasons.

Grit is a combination of both long-term commitment and persistence.  One can learn to have grit.  You can increase your grit by choosing the right goals. 

Blame your effort, not your ability. 

Sugo haseyo:  A Korean phrase used to congratulate someone which literally means "work hard."  Asian children are explicitly taught that hard work and persistence are the keys to success.  [See article at http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201009/its-not-how-often-you-test-its-what-you-think-tests-tell-you]

It's perfectly ok to walk away from a goal when the costs seem too great. 


CHAPTER 13:  Give the Right Feedback

Speak the truth.  Taking responsibility for failures will empowers others to do things differently in the future. 

When Things Go Right--Praise what they do, not what they are

• Rule #1:  Sincere praise that is specific
• Rule #2:  Emphasize behaviors that under the recipient's control
• Rule #3:  Emphasize personal mastery rather than competition
• Rule #4:  Don't undermine the recipient's autonomy with such things as rewards
• Rule #5:  Praise needs to always convey attainable standards and expectations

 

Start Something That Matters by Blake Mycoskie

CHAPTER One:  The TOMS Story

CHAPTER Two:  Find Your Story
When you have a memorable story about who you are and what your mission is, your success no longer depends on how experienced you are or how many degrees you have or what you know. 
A barrage of facts is simply not as powerful as a simple, well-told story.  Stories resonate more than facts. 
Supporters believe have bought into your story and want to be part of it.

Three questions to ask to discover your passion:

1. If you did not have to worry about money, what would you do with your time?
2. What kind of work would you want to do?
3. What cause would you serve?

Tell Your Authentic Story to the World Over and Over

 

Share Your Story with Everyone You Can

 

Find the Influence Makers Who Will Love Your Story

 

 

Be Specific:  Make sure your story is crafted to appeal to the people you really want to become your supporters and that it draws from your core strength. 

 

 

CHAPTER Three:  Face Your Fears

 

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.  So throw all the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover."

---Mark Twain

 

Everyone who succeeds battles through adversity. 

Instead of focusing on fear itself, focus on what one can control, your actions.  How you react to negative feelings is the key to your success. 

 

No Matter What Happens, Win, Lose, or Draw, Never Forget That Life Goes On

 

Don't Fear the Unknown

 

Everyone Makes Mistakes

 

Don't Worry About What Others Think

 

Don't Fall Victim to the Best Idea Freeze  (a decent idea with superb execution is better than a great idea with sub-par execution)

 

 

Surround yourself with enthusiastic interns and inspirational quotations and read biographies. 

 

Think small.  Think about what you do as one small step on a long journey. 

 

 

 

CHAPTER Four:  Be Resourceful Without Resources

 

Don't attempt to raise more money than you need, especially when that money comes with strings attached. 

 

From day one, start giving to those in need.  Incorporate giving into your business model. 

 

Make What You Have Count

 

Develop a Presence Where It's Free

 

Forget Titles

 

Business Cards Mean Business

 

Reward Employees

 

 

pgs. 92-5:  A wonderful list of great free resources!

 

 

CHAPTER Five:  Keep It Simple

 

In character, in manner, in style, in all things, the supreme excellence is simplicity.

--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

Simplicity of product design and simplicity of business model. 

 

Do one thing and do it the best you can. 

 

Unclutter Your Work Space

 

Keep a Notebook With You at All Times

 

Own as Little as You Can Get Away With

 

Schedule Everything

 

Combine!

 

Don't Let Technology Enslave You

 

Clean Up

 

 

CHAPTER Six:  Build Trust--Internal and External

 

Get to know one another as friends and spend time together outside of the office. 

 

The better your employees feel about their jobs, the better your business performs. 

 

A leader can create a company, but a community creates a movement.

 

Own up to your mistakes and all room for your employees' lapses as well. 

 

Extend more trust than you might normally be comfortable with.

 

Make sure employees know that making mistakes is ok, but breaking trust is not.  Prune your organization of people who violate company trust. 

 

Tips For Trust

 

Talk Openly With Your Staff

Give Away Autonomy

Trust That Your Employees Will Grow Into Their Roles

Always Follow the Golden Rule

Be As Open As Possible

Use Your Own Products

 

 

CHAPTER SEVEN:  Giving Is Good Business

 

Giving attracts great employees and great partners as well.  Incorporate giving anywhere you can at work.  Give early. 

 

 

CHAPTER EIGHT:  The Final Stop

 

Start something!--something that matters. 

 

 

 

 

 

Miscellaneous thoughts from the book:

• Core question:  Why am I doing this?
• Kaisen:  A Japanese word for small improvements every day
• The timing is never right
• Website:  www.SENDaBALL.com





 

 



 

 







 



 





The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle

Screwing up makes one better.
Bjork: "The more we generate impulses, encountering and overcoming difficulties, the more scaffolding we build.  The more scaffolding we build, the faster we learn."   
Charles Darwin:  "I have always maintained that excepting fools, men did not differ much in intellect, only in zeal and hard work." 
Brain Insight #1:  All actions are really the result of electrical impulses sent along chains of nerve fibers.
Brain Insight #2:  The more we develop a skill circuit, the less we're aware that we're using it. 
Myelin (a dielectric electrically insulating) material is critical to this process.  The main purpose of a myelin layer (or sheath) is to increase the speed at which impulses propagate along the myelinated fiber.  It is represented by the yellow part in both pictures.   







Myelin operates by a few principles:

• The firing of the circuit is paramount. 
• Myelin is universal--one size fits all skills. It doesn't care who you are, only what you do.
• Myelin wraps--it doesn't unwrap.  Therefore, the only way to break a habit is to myelinate new circuits.
• Age matters.  Genes do not change as one grows older, but the ability to build myelin does. 

World-class expertise in any domain requires roughly a decade of deliberate and committed practice:  Ten Year Rule

"Excellence is a habit."  Aristotle

The Bronte sisters became great writers not in spite of the fact that they started out as immature and imitative but because they were willing to spend vast amounts of time being and energy being immature and imitative, building myelin. 

Rule 1:  Chunk It Up
"Just take one step at a time."
     Absorb the whole thing:  Spend time seeing the desired skill as a single coherent skill.  Anders Ericsson says, "We are prewired to imitate."
     Break it into chunks:  Break a goal into its component pieces and progress through each piece.
     Slow down:  Football coach Tom Martinez says, "It's not how fast you can do it.  It's how slow you can do it correctly." 

Rule 2:  Repeat It
Spending more time is effective, but only if you are at the edge of your capabilities, attentively building and honing circuits. 

Rule 3:  Learn to Feel It
"divine dissatisfaction":  Martha Graham


"Every great and commanding moment in the annals of the world is a triumph of some enthusiasm."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

How a learner sees himself will have a staggering difference on what is accomplished.  A study was done with a group of children asking how long they expected to play an instrument.  Those who intended to play all their lives saw themselves as musicians.  With the same amount of practice, the long-term commitment group outperformed the short-term commitment group by 400 percent.  The long-term-commitment group with a mere twenty minutes of weekly practice, progressed faster than the short-termers who practice for an hour and a half.  When long-term commitment combined with high levels of practice, skills skyrocketed.  In other words what a learner brings to the first lesson is more important than anything the teacher can do, or any amount of practice. 

Motivation is not as simple as saying I want X.  It's saying I want X, so I better do Y like crazy now. 

The unconscious mind is able to process 11 million pieces of information per second, while the conscious mind can manage a mere 40.  This disproportion pints to the efficacy and necessity of relegating mental activities to the unconscious. 

True to the findings of Carol Dweck's work, the value of effort and slow progress rather than innate talent or intelligence is what matters.  Therefore, it is affirming the struggle that ignites learners. 

There are lessons to learn from KIPP.

Talent Whisperers:

• Quiet, even reserved
• Listen more than talk
• Their eyes are sharp and warm and are deployed in long, unblinking gazes in order to figure out the learner
• Rather than giving pep talks or inspiring speeches, they spend most of their time offering small, targeted, highly specific adjustments
• Extraordinary sensitivity to the person they are teaching, customizing each message to each student
• Continually push the learner to the next level

       Example:  John Wooden

Skill is insulation that wraps neural circuits and grows according to certain signals. 

                                                                                                                                                                         

IGNITION          DEEP  PRACTICE        TALENT

 

*MASTER COACHING from ignition to deep practices. 

 

The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace by Gary Chapman and Paul White

To buy copies of the book in bulk visit appreciationatwork.com  It is also available in other languages. 

Chapter 1:  What Employees Want Most

All of us thrive in an atmosphere of appreciation. 

Recognition vs. appreciation:

• Recognition is largely about behavior.  Appreciation focuses on performance plus the employee's value as a person.
• Recognition is about improving performance and focuses on what is good for the company.  Appreciation emphasizes what is good for the company and good for the person.
• Recognition is to-down while appreciation can communicated in any direction.

Appreciation "misses the mark" loses its impact when it is demonstrated it is not communicated in the receiver's primary appreciation language.

Chapter 2:  Why Appreciation Is a Good Investment

While 89% of managers feel employees leave for more money, the reason most employees leave a job are psychological in nature--including not feeling valued or trusted.  Gallup reports that 70% of the people in the U.S. receive no praise or recognition in the workplace. 

This is extremely important as researchers have found that employee turnover is one of the most significant causes of declining productivity and sagging morale in the workplace.  The employees most likely to leave are those who are the most talented, well-trained, and have the capability to make a positive contribution to the organization. 

What factors impact employees' level of satisfaction on the job?  The level of satisfaction is significantly influenced by the degree to which the employee feels appreciated by those around them--and engaged in their workplace and organization.  Employee engagement impacts customer satisfaction which can be the difference between success and failure.

Chapter 3:  Words of Affirmation--Appreciation Language #1

Praise for Accomplishments
Effective verbal praise is specific

Affirmation for Character
Character looks beyond performance and focuses on the inner nature of a person.  The character of an organization's employees is one of a company's greatest assets.    Character traits are in the long run far more important to an organization that specific accomplishments. 

Praise for Personality
Examples:  optimistic, neat, planner, logical

How and Where to Affirm

• Personal One-on-One
• Praise in front of others--Some research has shown that praise given in the context of a smaller group is more valued than awards given in front of a large group
• Written affirmation
• Public affirmation

If words of affirmation are to be most effective, they must be given in the context of a positive, healthy relationship...and they must be sincere. 


Chapter 4:  Quality Time--Appreciation Language #2

Quality Time means giving the person your focuses attention.  It is not proximity but personal attention. 

• Quality Conversation:  Emphatic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.  The focus is on hearing. 

        Maintain eye contact
        Give undivided attention
        Listen for feelings as well as thoughts
        Affirm feelings even if you disagree with their conclusions
        Observe body language
        Resist the impulse to interrupt

• Shared Experiences

Examples:  Going to conferences together, going out to eat, attending an event

• Small Group Dialogue

Some people do not feel comfortable talking to their supervisor one-one-one.  They feel less intimidated and more likely to share their thoughts in small group where the supervision is asking for ideas and suggestions. 

• Working in close proximity with coworkers in accomplishing a project

Spending time with others requires a positive attitude. 


Chapter 5:  Acts of Service--Appreciation Language #3

True leadership requires a willingness to serve others--either one's customers or one's colleagues.

How to serve effectively

• Make sure you own responsibilities are covered before volunteering to help others.
• Ask before you help.  "Would you like me to help you with that?"
• Sere voluntarily
• Check your attitude.
• If you are going to help, do it their way.  Ask, "How would you like me to do this?"
• Complete what you start.  If you can only give limited assistance, let the receiver know that upfront. 

Ask employees and colleagues (or supervisor!):  "Is there anything I could do for you that would make your work easier?"


Chapter 6:  Tangible Gifts--Appreciation Language #4

Giving a gift to someone who doesn't really appreciate gifts has little impact; the wrong gift can actually create an offense. 

The focus of this appreciation language is primarily on nonmonetary gifts.

The Who and What

1. Give gifts primarily to those individuals who appreciate them. 
2. Give a gift the person values.  Give a survey to find out what the person enjoys, his interests, etc.

Time off can be an extremely effective gift. 

Bringing in bagels or donuts (or chocolate) is another gift to show appreciation. 


Chapter 7:  Physical Touch--Appreciation Language #5

The touch that makes you feel affirmed may not make another person feel affirmed. 

There are benefits of physical touch in the workplace--beyond the concerns:  Appropriate touch has been shown to positively affect educational learning, emotional healing, and to create a sense of acceptance.

Cross-cultural researchers have found that a pat on the back is almost universally accepted as an act that communicates acceptance.


Chapter 8:  Your Least Valued Language

A person's lowest language of appreciation really is not important to them.  If we do not understand that this only makes them different, not weird, we can come to resent those who have a different language of appreciation.  We may feel that they are ungrateful, negative, and unappreciative. 

Successful managers seek to understand the other person's point of view. 

Communicating in our least important language takes more effort; it doesn't come naturally.  Yet, if this is the #1 primary language of someone else, it would behoove us to intentionally take the necessary time. 


Chapter 9:  The Difference Between Recognition and Appreciation

The vast majority of employee recognition programs aren't working. 

Recognition limitations:

1. Recognition focuses primarily on performance.  Appreciation focuses on the value of the individual employee.  All employees need appreciation, not only the high achievers.  Those who receive the rewards may be motivated to continue their high level of performance, but those who don't receive the reward probably won't be motivated.  Plus, when we feel appreciated, we are motivated to "climb higher."  When we don't feel appreciated, we tend to settle into mediocre performance.
2. Missing half the team: Words of Affirmation and Tangible Gifts don't reach everyone's desire for appreciation.
3. "Top-Down" Recognition:  Appreciation can involve everyone.
4. Significant Financial Cost

Recognition and reward programs can be ok, but an emphasis on appreciation and encouragement holds far greater potential.


Chapter 10:  How Appreciation Works in Different Settings

Appreciation in can work in any kind of work setting--manufacturing firms, family-owned businesses, schools, nonprofit organizations, businesses that provide financial services, medical/dental offices, churches, law, government, etc.


Chapter 11:  Volunteers Need Appreciation Too

Sometimes volunteers are more costly to the organization than the value of the work they complete.  Also, why they begin to volunteer is quite different than why they continue to volunteer.  The reasons they continue to volunteer fall into two categories:  social connectedness and perceived impact.  Most volunteers want to "make a difference."  Therefore, if we want to show them appreciation we need to address these two categories rather than rely on demonstrations of appreciation that has the feel of "one size fits all." 


Chapter 12:  Can a Person's Language of Appreciation Change?

Under certain circumstances, like an illness or death in the family, or different life stages or different people may change a person's primary language of appreciation for a certain period of time. We can ask, "Would this be helpful or meaningful to you?"  We need to remember that people are experts on themselves. 

The best managers are those who know their people well, continue to get to know them, and make appropriate changes as needed. 


Chapter 13:  Overcoming Your Challenges

The question is not, "Do you appreciate your workers?"  The real question is, "Do they feel appreciated?"

Challenges:

1. Busyness:  The best way to overcome busyness is to prioritize. 
2. The Belief That Communicating Appreciation is Not Important for Your Organization
3. Feeling Overwhelmed with Existing Responsibilities:  Accept the resistance of others and encourage them to volunteer to participate when they are ready. 
4. Structural and Logistical Issues
5. Personal Discomfort with Communicating Appreciation
6. The "Weirdness" Factor: 

• Acknowledge it
• Relate to other life experiences--learning or doing something new
• Provide tools to get past the weirdness like saying, "I know you probably think I am doing this because of the language of appreciation training, but I really do...."  Or use humor to diffuse the situation.
• Give the benefit of the doubt to coworkers and accept their actions as being genuine.

Chapter 14:  What If You Don't Appreciate Your Team Members?

First:  Sort out of own issues.  We may have unrealistically high expectations of our team, expecting more than they are capable of performing.  If we are driven, we may drive others which can sometimes be quite overbearing.   If this fits us, we must minimize our expectations so that we can genuinely appreciate the hard work of those we supervise.  This includes those who may "get under our skin."

Second:  The issue is performance.  Some reasons people underperform:  1) low work ethic, 2) not adequately trained for their responsibilities, 3) the organization does not have in place an effective process for review, feedback, instruction, correction. 



Chapter 15:  The MBA (Motivation by Appreciation) Inventory

Core principles:

1. There are different ways to communicate appreciation and encouragement to others.
2. An individual will value a certain language more than another.
3. The most effective communication of appreciation and encouragement occurs when the message is sent in the language of appreciation most valued by the receiver.
4. Message of appreciation and encouragement in languages not valued by the recipient will tend to miss the mark. 

Nurture Shock by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman

Chapter 1:  The Inverse Power of Praise

Giving kids the label of "smart" does not prevent them from underperforming.  It might actually be causing it.

Carol Dweck says, "Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control...Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child's control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure." 

Research is concluding that having high self-esteem doesn't improve grades or career achievement.  In other words, praise, self-esteem, and performance don't rise and fall together.  It is the kind of praise given that matters. 

Children scrutinize praise for hidden agendas. Excessive praise can cause children to interpret it as meritless.  They may also start doing things merely to hear the praise and lose sight of intrinsic enjoyment.  They may come to see failure is something to avoid at all costs and "seriously consider cheating."

People with persistence can sustain their motivation through long periods of delayed gratification.  One who grows up getting too frequent praise and rewards will not have persistence because they quit when the praise or reward disappears. 

The brain is a muscle.  Therefore, when it deals with something hard, it gets bigger.  This is what children (and adults!) need to understand.

Chapter 2:  The Last Hour

Research is showing not merely that sleep matters--but how much it matters not just to academic performance and emotional stability, but to phenomena that we assumed to be entirely unrelated, such as the international obesity epidemic and the rise of ADHD. 

Sadeh's found from his research, "A loss of one hour of sleep is equivalent to [the loss of] two years of cognitive maturation and development." 

Another researcher, Dr. Matthew Walker, explains that during sleep, the brain shifts what was learned during the day to more efficient storage regions of the brain.  The more you learned during the day, the more you need to sleep that night.  During sleep, the gene that is essential for synaptic plasticity, is activated.  This results in new inferences, associations, and insights the next day. 

Research is concluding that there is no statistical correlation between obesity and media us.  If the television is turned off, children usually choose other sedentary behavior.  Studies point to that on average, children who sleep less are fatter than children who sleep more.  This is even truer for children than for adults. 

Chapter 3:  Why White Parents Don't Talk About Race
Some important research findings:

• Children aren't color-blind, even those who attend diverse schools.
• Parents who explicitly talk about race with their children as early as age 3, the children have better attitudes about differences.
• Children are developmentally prone to in-group favoritism; they're going to form these preferences on their own. The attribute they rely on to categorize is the one which is most clearly visible.  Once a child identifies someone as most closely resembling himself, the child likes that person the most.
• Going to integrated schools gives you just as many chances to learn stereotypes as to unlearn them.  Children can self-segregate within the school. Diverse schools don't necessarily lead to more cross-race friendships.  Often it is the opposite.  In other words, sending a child to a diverse school is no guarantee that he or she will have better racial attitudes than children in homogeneous schools.  The more diverse the school, the more the kids self-segregate by race and ethnicity within the school.  More diversity translates into more division between students.
• To be effective, conversations have to be explicit, in unmistakable terms that children understand.
• Minority children who hear messages of ethnic pride are more engaged in school and more likely to attribute their success to their effort and ability.
• The more a culture emphasizes individualism (like in the U.S.), the more children form and join distinctive subgroups (cliques) to meet the need to belong. 
• Light-skinned blacks and Anglo-appearing Hispanics feel their status within the minority group to be more precarious.  Therefore, they act more in keeping with their image of the minority identity, even if it is a negative stereotype. 
• If minority children hear preparation-for-bias warnings too often, they are less likely to connect their successes to effort, and much more likely to blame their failures on others (such as teachers) who they perceive as biased against them. 

Chapter 4:  Why Kids Lie

People simply cannot tell when kids are lying.  Kids learn to lie much earlier than we presumed., and they grow into lying.  In studies where children are observed in their homes, four year olds lie once every two hours, while a six year old will be about once every hour.  Few kids are an exception. 

The qualifying role of intent seems to be the most difficult variable for children to grasp.  Any false statement--regardless of intent or belief--is a lie. 

Lying is an advanced skill.  It demands both advanced cognitive development and social skills.  Lying usually starts out to avoid punishment so children, at first, lie indiscriminately whenever punishment might be a possibility.  Children become hooked to lying by about age 7 if it has become a successful strategy for handling difficult social situations. 

For children, the problem with lying is that you get punished.  Young children believe profanity (swearing) is lying because you get punished for it.  This association of lying and getting punished can distract the child from learning how his lies impact others. 

Young children lie to make the adult happy.  They feel that good news--not the truth--is what will please the adult. 

Children learn from adults that honesty can create conflict.  Encouraged by so many white lies, children learn to become comfortable with being disingenuous. 

Adults need to be careful how they handle tattling.  While it may appear that the tattling is incessant, it may very well be that the child has dealt with the issue numerous time by himself and just reached a saturation point.  Children soon learn the power of "Don't Tell" and silence one another with it. 

Chapter 5:  The Search of Intelligent Life in Kindergarten

A number of scholars have warned of classifying young children on the basis of a single early test result.  This admonition came most strongly from those actually writing the tests. 

In a meta-analysis of some studies, scholars concluded that the correlation between emotional intelligence and academic achievement was only 10 percent. 

IQ scores show some variability in the early years.  From age 3 to age 10, two-thirds of children's IQ scores will improve, or drop, more than 15 points.  This is especially true among bright kids--their intelligence is more variable than among slower children. 

Chapter 6:  The Sibling Effect

One of the best predictors of how well two siblings get along is predetermined before the birth of the younger child.  It has nothing to do with parents.  The predictive factor is the quality of the older child's relationship with his best friend.  Kids who can play in a reciprocal, mutual style with their best friend are the ones who have a good rapport with their young siblings, years. later.  In other words, older friends train on then friends and apply it to their siblings rather than the other way around. 

The skills needed to get along with one's best friend is a stronger predictor of a strong sibling relationship than age spacing or gender. 

Chapter 7:  The Science of Teen Rebellion

The most common reason teens lie is to protect their relationship with their parents--they don't want to disappoint them.

Kids who go wild and get into the most trouble have parents who don't set rules or standards. 

It's essential for teens to have some things that "none of your business" in order to help them develop autonomy. 

As far as rules, parents need to set a few rules over which they have some influence, explain why these rules are necessary, and then be consistent in enforcing them.  Effective parents also find ways to be flexible with rules if the child presents a good argument as to why a rule needs to be changed.

The teen brain can think abstractly, but not feel abstractly--at least, until it has had more experience to draw upon.  Therefore, saying to a teen, "Why did you do it? 

Didn't you know it was a bad idea?" doesn't mean much because feeling is what would make them realize it would be a bad idea. 

Chapter 8:  Can Self-Control Be Taught?

Good intentions must not be mistaken for good ideas.  Examples are the D.A.R.E. drug prevention program and many dropout prevention programs.  Interventions inspire few people to change their behavior.  Interventions for children are even more of a challenge since developmentally, children are a moving target. 

The program Tools of the Mind [http://www.toolsofthemind.org/] suggests that during playtime, children learn basic developmental building blocks necessary for academic success.  Through this program children learn how to concentrate. 

Chapter 9:  Plays Well With Others

The more educational media the children watched, the more relationally aggressive they were. 

Not surprising, research finds that the more a child is spanked, the more aggressive she becomes.  Yet, this doesn't hold true for black children.  Research has discovered that when spanking is an accepted practice, it becomes "the normal thing that goes on in this culture when a kid does something wrong."  Conversely, in the white community, physical discipline was a mostly-unspoken taboo.  In other words, children respond to the intent of the parent that the physical discipline itself. 

According to the science of peer relations, there's one big problem with lumping all childhood aggression under the rubric of bullying.  It's that most of the meanness, cruelty, and torment that goes on at schools isn't inflicted by those we commonly think of as bullies, or "bad" kids.  Instead most of it is meted out by children who are popular, well-liked, and admired.  The "zero tolerance" is not the answer to address bullying.  Kids make mistakes because they are still young--neurological immaturity.  It does not do any good to label nonaggressive kids as "good" kids as they might lack the savvy and confidence to assert themselves as often. 

Kids who are "bistrategic controllers" meaning that they achieve the right balance and the right timing for kindness and cruelty are the most popular and most well-liked kids.  Children who watched a lot of educational television are far more relationally aggressive, but they are also most prosocial with classmates as well. 

While overwhelming kids' schedules with activities, predominantly segregated by age, they are being fed the need for peer status and social ranking...and not eliminating peer rejection and aggression. 

Chapter 10:  Why Hannah Talks and Alyssa Doesn't

Infants need a live human speaker to learn language.  This is why language learning can't be left to DVDs. 

New research is indicating the central role of the parent is not to push massive amounts of language into the baby's ears; rather the central role of the parent is to notice what's coming from the baby, and respond accordingly.  In other words, notice how the baby is contributing to the conversation!  How a parent responds to a child's vocalizations--right in the moment--seems to be the most powerful mechanist pulling a child from babble to fluent speech.

Although Hart and Risley's research emphasized the difference in vocabulary used in different socioeconomic homes, it also supports these findings.  They found that there was a real gap in how parents responded to their children's actions and speech. 

Another critical finding--grammar teaches vocabulary, not the other way around. 

Conclusion:

We need to drop two assumptions:  1)  all things work in children in the same way they work in adults--Fallacy of Similar Effect and 2) positive traits necessarily oppose and ward off negative behavior in children--Fallacy of the Good/Bad Dichotomy.  Because of this kids can be walking contradictions.  Yet, by studying these contradictions closely, we can find deeper understanding about kids. 

Bully Nation by Susan Eva Porter

INTRODUCTION
The way we currently think about, measure, and understand aggressive behavior is problematic. 
Three reasons why our approach to bullying is bad for everyone:
      #1:  We're using ineffective and damaging language to describe the situations that arise between kids.
      #2:  In our desire to protect kids from emotional pain, we have expanded the definition to almost any behavior that has the potential to make a child feel bad.
      #3:  With the expanded definition of bullying, we expect kids to behave, and to learn from their behavior, in ways that are often well beyond their developmental capacities. 

CHAPTER 1:  The Problems with Bully Language
     #1:  Only one side of the story
When children are seen as bullies, there is little that they can say to successfully defend their actions or to shift the onlooker's perspective.
     #2:  It makes things easier, not better
Bully and victim labels deny us the opportunity to contemplate the shades of gray, and to instruct our children to do the same.
     #3:  Ignore context, lose compassion
Context provides explanations, not excuses.
     #4:  The us vs. them mentality
It's much easier to address the situation with labels than to do the work necessary to understand what's going on. 
     #5:  The presumption of guilt
Bully language--using bully and victim labels--allows us to use "guilty until proven innocent."  Bullies are often not given rights because they have been labeled bullies.
     #6:  The string of pearls effect
When a child is labeled a bully, this has the effect of coloring everyone's view of that child's past and future behavior.  This then takes on more weight and import than the current behavior merits and is like an albatross around the child's neck.  The question remains, When does a bully stop being a bully?
     #7:  When you use labels, you lose parents
When children are labeled as bullies, their parents become alienated.  Devising helpful strategies isn't the rationale behind Bully Language.  Bully Language is about assigning blame and creating the illusion of simple solutions.  Bully Language focuses on the problem rather than a solution.
     #8:  Makes children the enemy
     #9:  It pits children against each other
Having to go to school with people who have been labeled a bully makes the prospect of having a functional coexistence harder.  To say a child is a bully is to cast his/her character in stone, and we have no control over someone else's character. 
Once we see ourselves as victims we have even more difficulty than usual moving on from our painful experiences.  When kids believe they are victims, they also believe that their bad feelings are justified--that they have a right to hold onto them long after the events that caused them have passed.
     #10:  It creates a fixed mindset instead of a growth mindset  (Carol Dweck's work!)
The fixed mindset is quick to attack character as the problem, not circumstance, and thus there is a feeling of less hope about resolving conflicts.  Labels promote a fixed view of a given situation, and the players therein, and suggest to children that their actions are inseparable from their characters. Labels such as bully, victim, and bystander contribute to fixed mindsets.
Bully Language is not the most effective way to help children learn from their mistakes, deal with their feelings, or develop new behavior.  We need to remember that children are young people whose brains are not yet fully developed and potential has not yet to be realized.

So, when does a bully stop being a bully?

When he or she stops being called a bully.

 





CHAPTER 2:  The Definition of Bullying Inhibits Resilience
The commonly accepted definition of bullying promotes victimhood, not resilience, and this is terribly problematic considering that resilience is an essential ingredient for success in life. 
The original definition of bullying was very specific, and it hinged upon the notion of coercion.  Bullying now includes such behaviors as "making mean or rude gestures," "spitting," spreading rumors," and "leaving someone out on purpose." 

Who gets to determine when bulling has occurred?

 

The explosion we're seeing in bulling is due to our expanded definition of it, not to a shift in behavior, and this fact alone should serve to calm us all down. 

 

Once critical thinking is abandoned, and feelings become the primary guide, we're in trouble as a culture.

 

Columbine:  The Turning Point

It turns out Columbine had nothing to do with bullying.  The boys did what they did for complex reasons, bullying not being one of them. 

 

Resilience--The psychological ability to bounce back, overcome adversity, and deal with the many challenges of life.  To develop resilience we have to be tested.  It's how we deal with a hardship that both strengthens and demonstrates our resilience.  Just as wind is a critical element for trees to become strong, obstacles are the wind for us.

 

Victimhood and resilience are antithetical.  To be a "bully survivor" is to remain tied to the painful experience and to be defined by it.  This is not resilience. 

 

Helicopter Parenting and the New Definition of Bullying

The new definition of bullying says much more about today's parenting than it does about childhood aggression.  Parents are different today.  They want to hover.  Bullying got added to their job description.  It's important to note that kids don't have more problems; it's just that parents hear more about the problems.

Helicopter parents send the message that their children shouldn't problem-solve on their own, they should seek help immediately when they feel distressed, and that their self-esteem will be crushed if they have to jump over some social hurdles.  The focus is on pain. 

 

Pain, Pain Go Away

The definition of bullying has ballooned for one primary reason:  many of us want to prevent children from feeling pain. 

Once a situation is labeled as bullying, the issue of resilience no longer matters, and this is problematic. 

When children's feelings become fact, this doesn't leave them with any problem-solving tools.

 

Sticks and Stones

The new version of this saying is Sticks and stones can break my bones and words can really hurt me accepts an insult rather than reject it as the original version did.  Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." 

 

CHAPTER 3:  Zero Tolerance Sets Kids Up to Fail

Zero Tolerance is a fixed mindset solution to a fixed mindset problem.  Children aggression isn't so clearly cut. 

Zero Tolerance doesn't acknowledge that kids are different at every stage of their growth. 

When in comes to managing aggressive impulses, every child will fail at some point because every child makes mistakes along the way when dealing with frustration or anger--every one of them, not just the "bad" kids. None of us develop a skill without a lot of messing up mightily along the way.  Zero Tolerance doesn't allow for this.  

It is harder to focus our efforts on what children need to learn and how we can teach them than to institute policies and laws in hopes that they will do the work--but they don't. 

Policies and legislation presume that a punishment will change a child--often in a day.  Mistakes don't indicate that children aren't making an effort or that they aren't headed in the right direction.  Of course, children need to be held accountable for their behavior, but mistakes are an essential part of the learning. 

Zero Tolerance does not value resilience, it values victimhood.  Children learn that power lies in their ability to embrace their pain, not in moving through challenges.   

 

Intent: 

A child's capacity for intent is very different than an adult's.  It is both foolish and unproductive to create adult consequences for childhood misbehavior.  With Zero Tolerance problems are defined in an ironclad way and solutions are not suited to fit the situation. 

 

Bystander: 

You are a bystander, and you are as guilty as a bully,  Even if you are five, or eight, or 12 years old, you're guilty?  Yes, this is what being a bystander now means to our children.  This is a heavy burden to put on children.

 

RESOURCE:  Izzy Kalman, author of Bullies to Buddies. 

 

CHAPTER 4:  Helping Children:  The GRIT Approach

 

     Question #1:  When I am faced with a problem involving childhood aggression, do I approach the situation with a growth mindset?

     Question #2:  Am I responding or reacting to this situation?

     Question #3:  How should I intervene?

     Question #4:  What do I need to teach and what do the children need to learn?

 

GRIT is a frame of mind.  GRIT is ultimately about resilience.  They need to see the adults around them exhibiting this grit.

 

G:  Growth Mindset  (Carol Dweck's work)

Negative labels never serve children, and especially not when learning is the goal. 

Most important tenet of a growth mindset:  change--in ourselves, others, and circumstances--is possible.  Therefore, we must using Bully rhetoric.  We have to get beyond labels and look instead at behavior.  With a growth mindset, the focus is on behavior and not on character. 

To develop resilience, children need to understand that effort does matter.  They need accurate feedback, whether it is negative or positive. 

 

R:  Responding versus Reacting

Responding is about being thoughtful, cool-headed, and patient.  In other words, do what will turn the heat down. 

Children make lots of mistakes as their brains develop, and many of these mistakes are what we now call bullying. 

As adults we have the ability to step back use parts of our brain that children can't because they aren't developed, yet.  Kids need us to use our Adult Brain--impulse control and empathy--when dealing with their mistakes or inappropriate behavior. 

Before acting, we need to ask ourselves:  Are my actions coming from my Adult Brain?

When we react, we do so immediately.  When we respond, we employ our Three Second Delay which gives us time to put our Adult Brain in gear.

 

I:  Interventions

Our primary responsibility is to keep children physically and emotionally safe.  Interventions need to begin where the risk of harm is the greatest. 

 

Discipline:  Clarity--children are clear about expectations and know adults are in charge, Consequences--they serve as both punishment AND instruction that fit the individual child, Consistency, and Change--child's age and maturity are factors that affect the discipline approach

 

If we focus on solutions rather than problems, we will be hopeful. 

 

Final thoughts about interventions:

1. They're children--They deserve the benefit of the doubt
2. Whatever they did, the behavior/incident in question isn't the whole picture
3. Whatever we do or say to a child, will have a huge impact
4. We may or may not be the appropriate person to intervene
5. Seek advice and support

FINAL THOUGHT:  If we can place our emphasis on resilience rather than on success and happiness, we will do a better job of ensuring that our children will experience success and happiness.